Lyrics Archive

Chobos

(Chorus 1)
Ho Ho Ho it's the Chobos, the Christmas hobos/
We rob Santa's grotto, then we go home/
I'm bored in the snow, sick of listening to kids play/
So I give my mate five rings like Christmas' 5th day//

(Verse 1)
On the sixth he picks up; "what the fucks up man?"/
"shutup, put on some pants, I'm doing a seasonal revamp/
And need some inspiration for what to put on the track"/
We met up, our landscape was walls covered in graf/
We've got to either get that street sign or something as daft/
So we sparked a joint, puffed it and that, chuntering crap/
Trying to find Christmas capers so we can jump to attack/
And we're standing on a rooftop, looking like twats/
I needed money for booze, 2 or three cans/
And munchies had me fantasizing about food; like a blueberry flan/
Then my mate started brewing a plan/
I knew what he had in mind too; it's beautiful, man/
Hijack santas sled and cruise to Japan/
Either that or charge kids 2 quid a man/
And soon it began/
We wouldn't ruin Christmas, we're not stupid nobs/
Everyone knows time stops for santa or he wouldn't do the job/
We lay in wait for him to arrive; two sinister minds/
It's not like if we had knives; we'd skin him alive/
We just want a bit of a ride, it's not particularly nice/
But we've been good this year - fuckit - let's finish it right//

(Chorus 2)
Ho Ho Ho it's the Chobos, the Christmas hobos/
We rob Santa's grotto, then we go home/
Yeah we like girls - that doesn't mean I'm sexist/
If I pick you up I'll drop you a line...like 2 player tetris//

(Verse 2)
Restless, 2 hours later - cold and stiff as hell/
Suddenly in the distance, what...wait! jingle bells!/
We're thinking well, fuckit, about time too/
Mind you, the next step of the plan needed a right move/
Quite cool; we stepped into the cold, I was gripping hold/
Of a net, it's a safe bet, cos he's getting old/
He's lost his sense of awareness, I'm sure he's never been careless/
But he'll never expect the net in all fairness/
String it between two trees, standing ready and nervous/
He shouldn't find out, but then it depends if he heard us/
I'm a bit worried cos we set it on purpose/
And maybe he's deadly if you get on his nerves - thus;/
It was in my mate I sought for advice/
"How's he not gonna tell!?...Is it worth causing a fight?"/
We paused in the light, shit man of course I was right!/
This motherfucker can even tell if we're naughty or nice!/
And before we could pry the net from the trees.../
Santa's sled was stopped dead, and he fell on his knees/
Then he just wheezed, my mate was like, "shit man - we better just leave"/
But his reindeer started taking off and getting up speed/
My mate was down with Santa - helping him breathe/
While I was watching the sled head higher than I could measure in feet/
I decided - "man, I bet it's a dream"/
So I pinched myself, and nothing happened, and I was left at the scene//

(Chorus 3)
Ho Ho Ho it's the Chobos, the Christmas hobos/
We rob Santa's grotto, then we go home/
And you know, now; that no-one's fucking with this/
We keep the pipes piping like...whatever number that is.../

(Verse 3)
So we helped Santa to a standing position/
He looked dazed - like he forgot he was a man on a mission/
Good, perhaps he forgot we planned the collision/
But beyond his phased look I saw the pangs of suspicion/
We were gonna charge people in Japan to be driven/
Around the country while we were lavishly living/
Fatter than we could imagine, in the maddest of visions/
Now I'm wondering if, for this shit, we could end up in a national prison/
Suddenly Santa got livid - "what the fuck just happened to me?/
Where the hell are the reindeer going with no master to lead?/
There's presents to be delivered for a planet of sleaze/
And I promised the wife I'd back in time to shag her at 3"/
I tried to calm him down - "look santa we can figure this out/
Rudolf'll come back - of this there's no doubt/
Christmas miracles - that's what this is about"/
He looked at me - laughed - and continued to shout/
"That's just made up to make kids believe/
And as far as I'm concerned - you pricks are thieves/
So you either help me get my sled back on Christmas eve/
Or, God as my witness - I'm gonna brek your knees"/
Santa can move fast despite that fact he's fat/
And I was fairly accustomed to my knee caps/
So I breathed back some joint - Santa had a fag instead/
And we put the plan in motion for getting back his sled//

(Chorus 4)
Ho Ho Ho it's the Chobos, the Christmas hobos/
We rob Santa's grotto, then we go home/
I stopped the story short, I'm not sure it's over/
Count yourself lucky you saw that much - like a four leaf clover//